The Struggle of Millennial, People Pleasing Women in their 30's/40's
There’s a very specific kind of woman I see sitting across from me right now in therapy sessions.
On paper, her life looks… fine. Good, even.
She’s got all the obvious ‘markers’ for a successful life; the job, the kids, the husband, the house, the car. All the things she has been taught she should strive for.
She’s held it together for years. Built the life. Raised the kids. Kept the plates spinning. Showed up. Held everyone else emotionally.
But somewhere in her late 30s or early 40s, something starts to crack.
Not loudly.
Not dramatically.
But persistently.
A quiet, gnawing feeling of: “Is this it?”
The invisible shift no one prepared you for
For millennial women, especially the high-functioning, people-pleasing, “good girl” type, this phase of life can feel surprisingly destabilising.
Because everything you built your identity on…starts to shift.
The measurable things in life, no longer feeling quite enough.
Your children don’t need you in the same all-consuming way anymore.
Your role as “mum” evolves from being everything to being…optional, in moments.
Your relationship either changes shape, or begins to show cracks that were easy to ignore when life was busier, louder, more distracted.
And suddenly, the distractions that once protected you…don’t work anymore.
Why this hits people-pleasing women harder
If you’ve spent your life being the one who:
Keeps the peace
Anticipates everyone else’s needs
Avoids conflict
Finds your worth in being needed
…then this stage of life doesn’t just feel like change. It feels like a complete loss of identity. But different to the change in identity you went through when you became a Mum. Because then, at least you were becoming something. This loss of identity now, feels like an unravelling, and you’ve no idea what lays the other side of it. It is a dismantling.
Because when you’re no longer constantly needed, you’re left with a question you’ve likely avoided for decades: Who am I when I’m not everything to everyone else? When I’m not needed?
And that’s where things start to feel uncomfortable.
The coping strategies stop working
For years, you’ve coped by:
Staying busy (so you don’t have to feel)
Being productive (so you feel worthy)
Taking care of others (so you feel valued)
Pushing your own needs down (because… when would you even deal with them?)
But now?
The house is quieter.
There’s more space.
More time.
More awareness.
And instead of that feeling freeing… it feels exposing.
So what do you do? You fill the space again.
More scrolling
More to-do lists
More “I’ll focus on me later”
More emotional eating
More overthinking
Because slowing down means feeling. And feeling means facing things you’ve spent years avoiding.
When relationships start to shift (or break)
This is also the point where many women realise that the relationship they’re in… was built on a version of them that no longer fits.
A version that:
Didn’t speak up
Over-accommodated
Avoided rocking the boat
Prioritised harmony over honesty
So as you begin to grow, question, or want more…things get uncomfortable.
Sometimes that looks like distance.
Sometimes resentment.
Sometimes conflict that feels completely unfamiliar.
And sometimes…it leads to a relationship breakdown.
Not because you’ve failed.
But because you’ve outgrown the version of you that held everything together.
The “I want more” moment
This is the moment I care about most, because it’s easy to dismiss it. You tell yourself:
“I should just be grateful”
“Other people have it worse”
“Maybe I’m just being dramatic”
But underneath that voice is something much more honest:
You don’t want your life to just look good. You want it to feel good.
And wanting life to feel a certain way was never your focus as a people pleasing, good girl. You wanted it to look good base don other people opinions.
But ow you want:
Headspace
Calm
Emotional freedom
To stop overthinking everything
To feel like you again (even if you’re not quite sure who that is yet)
And most importantly…you want to stop living a life that revolves around proving your worth.
This is where the real work begins
This stage of life isn’t a crisis. It’s a threshold.
An invitation to finally do the work you’ve never had the space (or safety) to do before.
The work that goes beyond surface-level coping strategies.
The work that looks like:
Understanding your patterns (not just managing them)
Untangling the beliefs that have kept you stuck
Processing emotions you’ve pushed down for years
Learning how to meet your own needs without guilt
Building a life that isn’t built on burnout and self-sacrifice
So that you can become the version of you who takes up space in her own life, for the first time ever.
Honestly, this is the part you will love the most about nearly turning 40, is how unapologetically self-focused you become. And it takes a new version of you to emerge to really embrace that. Because this work can’t be done if you still have your foot inside the good girl way of being.
You’re not broken. You’re waking up.
What you’re feeling right now? The restlessness. The frustration. The quiet sadness. The sense that something needs to change…
That’s not you falling apart. That’s you outgrowing a life that no longer fits.
And yes, it’s uncomfortable.
But it’s also where everything shifts.
The woman on the other side of this
When you do this work, something powerful happens.
You stop:
Living in your head 24/7
Needing everyone else to be okay for you to feel okay
Running on empty
Questioning your worth
And you start:
Trusting yourself
Setting boundaries without spiralling
Feeling calmer in your day-to-day life
Showing up as a mum without losing yourself in the process
Building relationships that are honest, not just peaceful
You become a woman who doesn’t just cope. She chooses.
And if this is you…
If you’re reading this and thinking, “this is exactly where I am…”
Then this is your moment to stop brushing it off.
You don’t need another strategy to manage your life.
You need space to understand yourself.
That’s exactly what I offer inside my work, whether that’s through my group coaching programme ‘She Wants More’, or my deeper 1:1 support. I help you reset the patterns that have kept you stuck for years.
Because this stage of life?
It isn’t the beginning of the end.
It’s the beginning of finally letting yourself come alive ✨
If you’re in this space and need a way out, these are your options….
She Wants More - the group programme for women craving more than life is giving the right now, who want to figure out what that ‘more’ is and what impact having it has on their day to day lives.
RESET - the 6 month emotional detox 1-1 programme, to help you break out of the people pleasing, good girl mould you’ve always been slotted into.
REDEFINE - the 12 month 1-1 programme for women ready to break the mould, let go of old habits and step into a new way of being.