9 Hidden Signs of Low Self-Esteem in People-Pleasing Women
It doesn’t matter how good your life looks on paper…
Or how good it actually is…
If at the core of everything, you are going to keep beating yourself up for not being good enough, telling yourself you’re a failure, or continuing to believe that you are not worthy of being fully happy in your life.
Right now you probably have the husband, the kids, the home, the job, the car…all the things that 18 year old you dreamt of having…and somehow it doesn’t feel good enough.
And let me tell you why…
Because ticking things off the list of life is not what makes you happy.
How you treat yourself, the way you talk to yourself, the beliefs you have about who you are as a person is where your core happiness comes from. And when you are happy with who you are, how you think, the feelings you have towards yourself, you can appreciate all the external things; the house, the kids, the husband, the job, the car.
But those external things are not the band aid for a crappy relationship with yourself.
NOTHING will ever feel good enough, if you treat yourself like you are less important than everyone else.
Why Self-Esteem Matters in Adult Life:
Self-esteem has become a buzz word in the wellbeing industry over the last decade and it has dilated the hell out of what it really means.
Healthy self-esteem is not about always being positive, or feeling confident, or never worrying about anything.
Healthy self-esteem is about the relationship you have with yourself.
You can have high self-esteem and still worry about things in life.
You can have high self-esteem and still feel nervous about going to a job interview or meeting new people.
You can have high self-esteem and still have negative thoughts sometimes.
But you can’t have high self-esteem and tell yourself you’re a failure and not good enough.
Self-esteem is about your internal world. At the root of everything you do, think, feel and say is the relationship you have with yourself. And with low self-esteem your core will be wired to self-sabotage, doubt and self-blame. With healthy self-esteem it is wired to self-trust, self-belief and positive self-talk…even when life feels tough, not just when things are going well.
Now as a child, most people have loving supportive parents, who fuel their self-esteem, encourage them and are cheering in their corner. They become the cornerstone for building a healthy sense of self.
In adulthood it is on you to be your own cheerleader…and often that is where people fall short. Because by that point life has happened, experiences out of your control took a toll, and your beliefs shifted from I can do anything to I’m not good enough and there is nobody there to tell you otherwise.
And once those beliefs have set in, they become the central system from which your whole nervous system operates.
Working on your self-esteem now takes conscious effort and motivation to change how you show up for yourself, the things you tell yourself, how you berate yourself when things don’t go to plan. And most people either don’t know where to start, simply don’t believe they can think and feel differently, or do not have the motivation or self-belief to change a lifetimes worth of habits.
Signs you have low self-esteem:
As a millennial, people pleasing, good girl…these are some of the signs you have low self-esteem…
You struggle to know what you really want
So when someone asks you what you want to do, what you want to achieve or what you want out of life you have no idea, because your default setting has always been focusing on other peoples needs, not your own. And you have been left just going through the motions until some magical day when you think life will suddenly feel easier.
2. You say yes to everything, even when you know you can’t do something
You’re already at maximum capacity in life, run ragged, staying up too late just to get things done, but it never feels enough. You feel like you ‘should’ be doing more and you are scared to let anyone down. So when someone asks you if you can hep with something you automatically day yes, and then dive into burnout trying to get it done.
3. You need other people to approve your choices
Because you doubt and second guess yourself so much, that you no longer trust in your own decision making or ability to make the ‘right’ choice. So you assurance seek to help you validate if what you think is right or wrong.
4. You over-explain yourself
On the rare occasion you do say no, or feel like you’re letting someone down, you will over explain your reasons so they don’t judge you or think badly of you, when a simple “I can’t do that today” would have done. But even with over explaining you will beat yourself up for days on end for not being able to say yes.
5. You feel guilty for having needs
Rest, alone time, asking for help, spending money on yourself or prioritising your own needs triggers guilt, and doesn’t just feel uncomfortable, it feels impossible. This is the good girl in you feeling resistance to thinking of herself, and not other people.
6. You take responsibility for everyone’s feelings
If someone is upset, angry or hurt you will immediately think what did I do wrong? How can I fix this? Because other peoples discomfort feels like your failure, because as the good girl you have always been the fixer and peacekeeper.
7. You are terrified of being perceived as difficult , selfish or too much
So instead you have settled into feeling not good enough because the only person that hurts is you, and you can cope with your own feelings. But if you are too much or selfish that impacts other people and that feels scary AF. So you make yourself smaller and live in a space of not enoughness for decades. So much of this comes down to female conditioning - you can either be too much or not enough. Where you want to be is in he middle where you can just be you.
8. You are highly sensitive to crticism
One comment, look, or bit of body language can occupy your mind for days. You replay conversations, over analyse tone and wonder if how you came across was right. This perceived criticism is just backing up what you believe to already be true about yourself - that you are somehow not good enough.
9. You achieve A LOT but rarely feel enough
No matter how much you get done, how much you achieve how many things go well, you will always default back to telling yourself you still should be doing more, that what you do achieved was luck or that it still wasn’t quiet good enough. Success gives you temporary relief rather than genuine self-worth.
Why People Pleasing Good Girls are so Good at Hiding Low Self-Esteem:
The Good Girl often doesn't look like someone with low self-esteem. The mask you wear is so solid, hardly anyone sees through it. You can look confident, successful, organised, independent, on top of things and incredibly capable, but on the inside feel like it is only a matter of time before people find out that you’re not enough.
Your low self-esteem has been outsourced to other people's approval for as long as you can remember. And your internal rule is if everyone else is happy then I’m ok, and if people are not ok the it’s my fault. Except you’re not ok, you’re running on the fumes of responsibility, duty and self-sacrifice, which, let’s face it…are not sustainable.
And what might appear as being someone who is laid back, easy going and low maintenance is actually someone who is scared to speak her opinion or needs.
So you become exceptionally good at being good, while becoming increasingly disconnected from yourself.
⬆️ This is the sacrifice you are making by living with low self-esteem like you deserve it.
And when you have made low self-esteem and survival mode look so effortless, and hidden it so well, nobody notices you’re drowning, and the one person who does notice - you - does nothing about it.
If this hits home, then your self-esteem needs a little TLC, and if that’s the case then you are in the right place.
Unbecoming is my brand new self-study course that teaches women to stop treating themselves they are less important than everyone else, and start treating yourself like you matter too.
💫 Unbecoming is launching in October 2026, and if you want exclusive discounts & be the first to know all the details of what’s inside the course then JOIN THE WAIT LIST HERE.
